It’s been one of those evenings. I have many different kinds of those evenings. This has been the kind of 3 books and a Bible and a guitar (accompanied with a giant brown blanket, some lingering Christmas lights, and a pumpkin muffin). I read a verse. “Ahh that’s so true!” I exclaimed and starting talking to Jesus about it. Then I cried. Then I told Him something I’m really needed to get off my chest. Then I opened a book. I didn’t make it far. More tears, comments, songs. Back and forth, reading, crying, praying, singing, exclaiming, asking. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not been a top-of-the-mountain, revelatory moment. It’s been a my-soul-cries-out kind of moment. I’ve been telling Him about some very particular heartbreaks. About some losses, some failures, some regrets and some disappointments. I’ve been pointing out to heaven those little corners in me–corners that need healing or direction or simple encouragement. It’s a moment of, “I’ve done well in some things and still I’ve suffered” and “I’ve failed in places and don’t have answers.” It’s everything raw and real.
One of the spontaneous songs than has run through my mind and mouth in the past couple of hours says:
“Create in me a clean heart, oh God
and renew a right spirit within me.”
It’s classically a favorite of mine. Not a trendy, every-day kind of a favorite, but a baseline, true kind of favorite. It proclaims a message I’ve been holding close in mind–that the most valuable treasure I have is my heart towards Him. It’s Him calling and me responding. It’s the very core of me stabilizing in trust and surrender. A heart hardened is a great loss. But a heart soft, cleaned, forgiven, responsive, trusting–that is a safe heart. What could be more important than protecting that? What could be more important than me cultivating a heart that turns towards Him?